I'd Rather Go Blind

I am not denying the fact that I feel something today.

"After I rushed out of your car the other night, I wasn't expecting anything. I wasn't expecting you to call me or any of that sort. But you said you were going to call me, and you didn't. That was fucked up and the worst thing that you could've done.... thanks" -Is how I ended things in the morning

I ended things in the morning but then he started them again right after. He texted me, "Hey Boy Hey, are you at the dentist?" Wtf?!!? Really! My response, "No. Just heading over..... R we just going to ignore like anything happened? Cause that's what ur doing"

I called him and he said what he had to say but I didn't. I knew it. I knew that he would not want to pursue things, and by the time he FINALLY told me I was ok with that. But i wasn't ok that the day before I had wasted more than half of my day thinking he was going to call, that's when I realized I was not going to allow a fucked up MAN to do that to me. So I went out with my besties. I had so much fun, and that was what I needed to verify that I was going to be fabulous. Yeah, I might get a little emo and think of him from time to time, but whatever, I had to move on and so what? He shouldn't be my biggest problem when I am 19 and trying to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

I had to call him back and let him know that I was upset that he didn't call when he said he would. I know that eventually, when I am REALLY over it, I am going to start talking to him because he is a cool guy but before then I had to make sure to let him know that I was upset of his lack of respect for me. I don't like empty promises and people who waste my time. Regardless of how I felt about him, I needed to "reclaim my penis" my independence.

I am in no way infinitely attached to him. I went out today and moved on because that's all I can do and I refuse to be all emo and stay at home feeling sorry for myself. I think that after seeing the tyes of relationships that my sister, brothers and mother had, I made a promise to myself that I will never allow a person to either hold me down or make me believe that "without them, life can't go on". UGH! Life can fucking go own, and that's just what I have to keep telling myself.

I came out of the closet at the age of 14... and through this experience I have realized that I will never put myself in the same 14 year old position, that in any way brought back horrific memories during my first coming out years. I need someone who can communicate with me, someone that has the confidence to empower me, to claim my identity, who I am.

Well, I think that I will probably be over it by either tomorrow or saturday. But i'll hold back just to make sure..

:-D

I am worth it, and I need to find someone that knows that not only am I worth it but that they are worth it too.