Slow

I am taking it slow.

I was laying in my bed and all i could think about was his brown skin sucking on my brown dick, as I played with his thick mexican hair...

HELL NO!

OMG!

that is not right, before there was a brown girl and a browner girl!

more than the other! (inspired by Audre Lorde)

i am more than the other.

More,
times more,
times more,
time mothafuckin more,
than the other.

I don't know to what extent I can further allow this hatred of my body, soul and mind to continue. Sitting with other has tarnished my erotic. Not to the point of no return, but to a place where it will take more than poetry to reclaim my erotic.

There are sexual practices that are foreign to me, yet they seem like fundamental knowledge, that makes me doubt my capacity to be truly engaged in a relationship. The vulnerability that is needed from me is the erotic. Could it be that the erotic is vulnerability? Vulnerable because that would mean that I would have to search within myself to develop a complex understanding as to why the mediocrity of my current state is the reason why my agency, as a queer man of color, is out of reach. To expose myself to not only the public but to myself...

I am ready for love.

Every step is more than what I know,
Know how to inhale,
Know how to exhale,
And know more about what I already know.

I am ready for love.

The first occasion was a drunk,
no excuse,
FUCK.
Fucked with a man,
Who was with a man,
But he did not know what it meant to love another man,
Nor to love oneself...

Baby,
Queer Man of color,
Chicano,
You are worth more than what your behavior demonstrates.

I am ready for love.

You,
With just a year less,
Singing like a bird,
Singing to me to a point of blindness,
Where your commitment no longer is visible,
And the only thing visible is your hand down my pants.

I am ready for love.

Me,
With a father that touched me,
A dead brother,
Immigrant mother,
Me.

These words are ordinary.
My words are not mine but someone else's,
That I was able to take from, at the expense of my humanity.

I am ready for love.

Take it slow,
Take it slow,
Take me apart and see the blood rushing through my veins,
The truth behind this coat of denial,
Just like you.

I'm ready for love.

Ven mami,
Ven hermana,
Ven hermanos,
y ven papi,
toma mi mano y besala.

I'm ready for love.

Seeing more than what's in the mirror,
seeing more than what I was during the drunk-no-excuse-FUCK,
Seeing more than the year-less-hand-down-my-pants mess around,
Seeing the erotic as treasure and not a low expectation.

Feel this brown skin,
These spanish words,
My brown hand rub you down before sleep,
These full lips wanting the other to transform into beauty.

I am ready for love.