GCHAT

I can't sleep because I see it,
I can't sleep because I am waiting,
He is online,
He knows,
He has to know,
But it's nothing.

I want it so bad,
It still lingers inside my head every day.

It's almost too perfect how the words are depicted in my mind,
The way I sigh in relief when I receive it,
How I know exactly around what time it will be coming,
The three words that assure my existence,
But,
Yet,
However,
It's just an old show that I tivo-ed and haven't found the strength to stop pressing the rewind button,
Over,
Over,
Again.

It dangles back and forth, letting me know that I am just half an inch away from touching my other half.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

School is about to start and I feel really sad. I don't want to go back because I am afraid of not meeting my goals. Law School! Law School! Law School! ahhhh! That's what I have to keep reminding myself whenever I want to ditch class, or not READ. Law mother-fuckin- School!

I am going to miss my family and spending time with the homies....

When you die,
When you leave,
I will know how important you really are to me.

To my moments in life,
To my joyful smiles,
To my world.

That's why I am thankful that you left,
[but still mostly resentful]
That you left the way you did,
I am glad to know that I am capable of breaking down,
Capable of breaking character and feeling,
Capable of having my heart broken into a million little pieces,
Capable of being human when I need to...

You can't stay. You can't breathe my air. You can't be next to me when I need you the most. You can't whistle my lullaby. Yet you can still love me, forever and always

THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!

going to see the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show!

....

omg!!

"rose tint my worldddddddd"

Rage

So I am blogging because that's all i can do since Piale is taking forever to get her hair did!

I am going out tonight to Rage! and i think that it should be hella fun. Sandy and Carlos are also coming along.

I feel really happy. I think this is good. Good progress. Really good.

Family Guy

I was thinking about life. Now I am thinking about my mother's life.

Today we revised her Will, just before she leaves for Mexico tomorrow at 4am. God! It was the worst pain ever. I can't even imagine my life without her. I want her to die when she isn't working so much. When she isn't crying because she can't pay the mortgage. I don't want her to go to Mexico, but something is telling me that nothing will happen to her because whenever I get like this, things always end up right.

I wrote this last Saturday after coming home from Bri's party.... NGL, I was a little bit drunk ;)

IT'S NOT 3AM

Laying with nothing to show except for the scar on my left cheek.

It bleeds with only an abundace of red paint each time.

I want to clean my face,
Wash it down so I can feel the dryness that comes with it.

My sore legs are only the result of years of walking towards u,
And never finding myself a step closer to ur modesty.

It is ur snore that keeps me awake at nights,
And not just for obvious reasons,
But for the fact that I know u haven't left yet....

Christmas

I am over it. Not the feeling but over him. (There! I need to stop giving him so much space in my blogs and in my head, it's pathetic and I feel like I am letting it get worse by doing so)

I am really looking forward to tonight. I love my family! Well right now I hate my sister but that will soon vanish.... its the holiday-chore syndrome.

I finished reading New Moon last night and I am sooooooooo looking forward to reading eclipse. I love Bella. I love her! ahhhhhhhhhhh

well GTG before my sister finds any excuse to start yelling at me

(hee hee)

ps. CAN'T wait for Saturday and seeing the midnight showing of RHPS!!!

My Other Half

Why are things so difficult. I wish that instead of learning about my teachers personal marriage he would have thought me about real life. About heart breaks. What are heart breaks? And how to get over them? How to get over fucking things that go horribly wrong?



I want to be able to breathe again and not be able to smell his cologne. To dream and not think about his texts but it's all I can do. He was nothing! Nothing! Nothing, yet I am behaving like he was everything to me. I don't know if I am melancholy for what could have been or for losing a friend that just validated me. Made me feel worth it, made me feel like a contact a-day was necessary because I am that good.

Maybe I never really felt anything for him in that way. I never had that type of relationship with a person before so maybe I just thought more of it. Ugh!!!

I know that I can stop,

But if I say it enough times then maybe I will.


Don't cry,
Don't cry,
Cry,
Cry,
If it's not one thing then it's the other.

I don't know what to feel when everything is piercing.


I don't know what to do,
I don't know what I can do,
I don't know when I can cry,
I don't know when I can't cry,
I don't know when it's just enough that I rather live a lie than without you.


I'm in search for my other half,
The half that has the love I've been missing,
The confidence to guide me,
The words to complete my sentences,
The body to complete me.

I hope your not my other half..... I hope you are. All I can do is cry because it's the only concrete thing that they told me to do for these types of situations. I feel weak and I hate that. I hate it so much that it makes me weaker every time I think of it.

I don't know,
I don't,
I don't,
I don't,
I don't know how to move one because I've never been able to move on from anything.

Just act,
Just act,
Act like I'm in a theatrical performance and when the red curtains finally unfold and I'm backstage again. I catch myself still in character because even though I gave my bow, I've lost myself and have yet to find my other half.

Secret Life of Bees

I was not alone...

..... becasue you were right next to me!

It just had to be you... I fucking know it!

NO

drunk

With just a dance left I strut for you.

I am drunk,
Drunk,
Drunk,
And I feel it even more now.

Come shake me,
I need to feel that humor freeing from my throat,
Feel like I am floating on air because what you said made it ten times more worth it in the end.

I really just want to cry,
Scream that I really want you,
And text you that I need you...

I hate feeling so dishonest because of the game,
Everything I say now is only 10% me,
And everything I think of is the only 100% David.

Just leave,
Just love me,
Just tell me that after you,
There is someone.

...That there is only you.

Yeah

Come after water,

Paint before I drain you up,

Kiss me softly babe.

I'd Rather Go Blind

I am not denying the fact that I feel something today.

"After I rushed out of your car the other night, I wasn't expecting anything. I wasn't expecting you to call me or any of that sort. But you said you were going to call me, and you didn't. That was fucked up and the worst thing that you could've done.... thanks" -Is how I ended things in the morning

I ended things in the morning but then he started them again right after. He texted me, "Hey Boy Hey, are you at the dentist?" Wtf?!!? Really! My response, "No. Just heading over..... R we just going to ignore like anything happened? Cause that's what ur doing"

I called him and he said what he had to say but I didn't. I knew it. I knew that he would not want to pursue things, and by the time he FINALLY told me I was ok with that. But i wasn't ok that the day before I had wasted more than half of my day thinking he was going to call, that's when I realized I was not going to allow a fucked up MAN to do that to me. So I went out with my besties. I had so much fun, and that was what I needed to verify that I was going to be fabulous. Yeah, I might get a little emo and think of him from time to time, but whatever, I had to move on and so what? He shouldn't be my biggest problem when I am 19 and trying to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

I had to call him back and let him know that I was upset that he didn't call when he said he would. I know that eventually, when I am REALLY over it, I am going to start talking to him because he is a cool guy but before then I had to make sure to let him know that I was upset of his lack of respect for me. I don't like empty promises and people who waste my time. Regardless of how I felt about him, I needed to "reclaim my penis" my independence.

I am in no way infinitely attached to him. I went out today and moved on because that's all I can do and I refuse to be all emo and stay at home feeling sorry for myself. I think that after seeing the tyes of relationships that my sister, brothers and mother had, I made a promise to myself that I will never allow a person to either hold me down or make me believe that "without them, life can't go on". UGH! Life can fucking go own, and that's just what I have to keep telling myself.

I came out of the closet at the age of 14... and through this experience I have realized that I will never put myself in the same 14 year old position, that in any way brought back horrific memories during my first coming out years. I need someone who can communicate with me, someone that has the confidence to empower me, to claim my identity, who I am.

Well, I think that I will probably be over it by either tomorrow or saturday. But i'll hold back just to make sure..

:-D

I am worth it, and I need to find someone that knows that not only am I worth it but that they are worth it too.

ended

There. It's over. It's fucking over and I need to get that through my head. He didn't call last night, he didn't even fucking text me.

Whatever, yeah, whatever, because that's all I can say now, WHATTHEFUCKEVER. I deleted him from FB, blocked him from gchat and deleted his number. I did it, and I should be so fucking proud of myself but ughhhhhhhhh it still hurts. A lot, but not as much as I thought it would.

ps. Today I am going to get my braces. Yey! Finally! hahahah, well more like ONCE AGAIN! hee hee

You caught me off guard

"You caught me off guard" is what he said to me. Those five words crippled me. I rushed out of the car and drove off.

How could I have caught him off guard? Am I really that closed off that even when I think that I am opening up, I really don't.... Ugh!!! I feel like I've been playing this character for so long that I have internalized it and I have lost the capability to show who I really am.

He wants to talk later on the phone... and idk if I can pick up. I don't think that I can hear him reject me. Hear him say that it was just me that was feeling something... I am scared, really scared and all I want though is for him to still text me because I know that I will feel better when he does. But not really because I fucked things over, I started to feel something more... ugh!

"Be still,
I already know"

Santa Maria

So I am currently in Santa Maria watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I forgot how much I love this fucking movie! I remember back in High School when I would watch this movie at least every day of my life during the summer of '06..... omg, I just did the Time Warp. It's weird how after so many years of not seeing the movie I remember all the LYRICS! hahahahah, loves it <3 !!!

I think that I am at a point in my life where I am really over it. Because that's the only way that I am going to be able to seriously not cry at nights. I know that I will have moments where I will be tormented by the past but so fucking what!? I have to have that attitude. I can't afford to feel the way I did just a week ago...

So there is someone. Someone that I think that I might have feelings for.... ugh!!!! I know that he feels something for me too but I feel like Oliver from this queer romantic book that I am reading called Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman (which I fucking absolutely love). I need to make him my mission. Because I know that I am his mission too. UGH! Why did I distance myself all those times that he attempted to get closer to me?!?!? I am so stupid! But I feel something, and even if he no longer, or never did feel how I feel now, I must make it my mission. I need to know that I am strong enough to confront these type of situations and that I am able handle the bad and the beautiful.

Idk why I am not romantic. I am direct and aggressive. AHHHHH!!!! I snap! SNAP! and snap some fucking more. I need to appreciate the people around me, and start appreciating myself. David. Queer David. Loud David. Fun David. Diva David. Drama Queen David. Passionate David. Activist David. Loveable David that is worth it!

Later,
Is what I speak,
What he speaks,
What I write of.

Gasp,
I can't believe I cut myself again.
Gasp,
I can't believe that I snapped again.
Gasp,
I'm crying again.
Gasp,
You love me again.

It's getting harder to swallow my water,
It yearns for your fluid,
For your water to clear my throat,
Get rid of the past,
Make me breathe the air of your lungs once again and make me as alive as those full tender lips that you kiss me with each second of our lives.

Milk

Today I went to go see MILK and it was by far such an empowering movie that totally made me believe once again in the power of an individual. I don't know what it was about him specifically that motivated so many people to rally and be political. Maybe it was the fact that he was able to truly build a coalition. I hate this gay movement so much. Ugh! It's so fucking white-driven! What about those undocumented folk's that CANT even get fucking married? Or what about the transgender folk's in SF that are getting killed but nothing is being done about it... What about my issues? My queer people of color issues?

I have a headache,
And eyes that won't stop aching.
From nothing,
Because that's how I felt when nothing resembled my face in the crowds of gays...

Writings from Past "So Close" 05/08 Part Two

I am burnout. I never thought that I'd be kneeling down pleading for my last bits of time. My eyes get heavy every second of the day now, and I can't seem to find out why it hurts when they close. Never thought that I would be here, with them, with my own self, finding out new paths to take. Paths that already feel like I've stepped on them before, paths that were only dreams. It's real, they're there.

I think I will cry,
Cry until my eyes begin to hurt,
Cry until he's not dead,
Cry until he didn't touch me,
Cry until I leave this place,
Cry until they stop believing in me,
Cry until I no longer can see.

Now and then I get insecure from all the talk,
From them,
From myself.

Life was not pain,
My thoughts closed off,
I keep bleeding with no real blood to show for it,
Doubt is what I see now,
For I no longer think that I can take it.

It's ok if i cry,
It's ok if i can't anymore,
If this pain is too much,
If all my tears are no longer my own…

More, and more I wish that your smile would turn mine true. The air gets thinner and thinner, and the glimpses I see of your face still makes me feel "vacant-homeless."

Past Writing 05/2008 Part One

I don't want to let them down. I seriously don't and it hurts when people who I thought were going to support me just try to shoot me down with passive aggressive behavior. It hurt to watch them cry then, but now it hurts because it's me who is crying. I did not want this. I did not feel well prepared. Oh maybe it's just that I never believed that I would be responsible for something that is bigger than me. I know that I have other folks that can help with volunteering yet, why does it still hurt?

The last time that I believed,
Was when my mind was unaware of the pain,
When I thought it only related to me,
Yet the rain keeps pouring,
And it's going to take more than just me to keep things dry.

Edward Cullen

I think that I finally have hope. Idk if that means anything in reality but after seeing Twilight for the fourth time, I think that I am ready to believe in myself. To believe that one-day I will find my Edward Cullen in life. Maybe not entirely believe it but there is something inside of me, a small little thing, that is holding on for dear life because it knows that it’s going to be worth it all. I got teary for different scenes today while I watched the movie. Looking back, I wonder if it’s because I finally felt like it was me. That I was Bella. When Edward spoke the words, “you’re my life now… you have no idea how long I’ve waited for you” my heart felt them. I think I know that I didn’t feel the words because I felt for them, but because I felt for myself. I don’t know how my Edward Cullen will look, smell, feel, but I do know that he is going to be there. Not soon, but he is here, with me, feeling me, thinking about the day that he will speak tender words to me and when I offer him my heart. He just has to be feeling how I feel! I know it! And it’s because we feel the same heartbreak that will bring us together. He will be my Edward and I will be his Cullen.

Writings,
After writings,
After more writings,
Is all I’ve come to complain with.

Real complain,
Real whining,
Real heart,
Real real.

Inhale,
Exhale,
Inhale,
Inhale,
Inhale
I’m not ready [yet] to exhale.

“It’s not weird because this is all I’ve ever known.”

My fingers wont’ stop letting them know who I am,
Pleading for help,
Pleading for the real me to just read the titles of my writings,
Only they know how to move with the rhythm of my soul,
How to calm me down when all the hope that I have,
Painfully gets taken away,
When I find myself locked in my past,
They are the only ones that can help me move on.

Slow down and breathe,
Inhale,
Exhale,
Inhale,
Inhale,
Inhale,
[Don’t ever stop] Exhale.