naming

In the process of developing my queer identity, I am constantly attempting to put a name to what I am feeling. But I often find myself going blank as the terms that “society” reproduces never quite fit with what I am going through. How do I name something that doesn’t have a name? By the time I reach nothingness, I get frustrated. Mostly because some third person usually takes the leadership of naming what I am and what I am feeling. It pisses me off.

I am not queer,

I am not joto,

I am not lonely,

I am not beauty,

I am not ugly,

I am not brown,

I am not poor,

I am not David.

I don’t know what I want. But will I ever? I’m sitting in my desk facing a mirror because the thought of facing a computer that never talks back to me is heartbreaking at the time.

I wish that when I was born I had been isolated from the world with only a mirror to interact with. Grow up knowing the features on my body. The pores that allow my body to breathe. Get to know myself, with only my spirit guiding me. Maybe then I would have the courage to speak truth.

To speak truth to the experiences of my body,

My lips,

My eyes when they see shadows and colors,

My subconscious that never sleeps,

My heart that bleeds pain and love.

I wish I had courage.

Enough courage to tell you that I love you.

That everytime I see you there is part inside of me that just wants to hug you and tell you that I deserve to be happy with you.

Why must we play?

Why must I think I’m not good enough?

Why do I feel like my body isn’t adequate enough for you?

I want to yell in your face and be part of your mainstream world.

I want to stop crying because the tears that runs down my cheeks stings.

It stings because it reminds me that I am still trying to heal from when my father touched me.

It reminds me that I am still trying to heal from my under bite.

It reminds me that I am still trying to heal from all the times that my leadership has been doubted because of my queer Chicano identity.

Crying stings. But I only hope that when you look into my eyes, your love will give me the courage to face the mirror and be the one to name myself…