Glass Wall

I feel like I keep hitting a glass wall.

Like I am walking at a slower pace than everyone else because I am carrying an extra 200 pounds of color, queer and poor. But I remember the words of my mami, “Con guanas, si se puede,” and every now and then when I get bursts of energy I run to catch up to everyone else.

But the other day was different. I was walking slowly but when God’s grace gave me a boost of energy, I ran. I was running and I refused to look back as I focused on my future possibilities. I was running. God I was fucking running for my life. I was running because I knew I deserved to be with everyone else. I was running because I deserved to be valued. I was running because for so long I never believed I could ever run. I was running because for once I believed I had a chance to survive.

Just a few steps before reaching the masses I slammed against a glass wall. My skin tore and my bones broke. Blood was gushing from every part of my body. But most important my spirit died a little. My spirit that fed me when I was hungry. My spirit that gave me a voice when I felt silenced. My spirit that gave me a heart when mine had vanished. Oh spirit, may the part of you that died please come back to life. I need you. All of you.

I’m laying on the ground almost dead. Swallowing my own blood, feeding my thirst anyway I can.

Homophobia hurts.

Racism hurts.

Both together kill me.

They are the ones to blame for the glass wall and the extra weight on my back.

They are the ones to blame for my job placement.

Where the straight Chicano gets the Chicana/o floor because having a queer Chicano would endanger the machismo.

Where the white woman gets the Rainbow house because having a queer of color would force the department to breakdown down their white supremacy in queer spaces.

Homophobia hurts.

Racism hurts.

Both together make up the glass wall that continuously makes me feel hopeless.

David.

David one day you will live one life. One day you will be able to walk through glass walls and turn that pain into love. But for now, living and dying is all you can do.

God save me!