I exist

I wanted to close my eyes. Experiment with the different voices inside my head to formulate the truth of my power. How to transform signs of entrapment to signs of liberation? To close my eyes and no longer see the darkness as malice but as my weapon against the gatekeepers and the power mongers. In order to de-self-actualize, my imaginary has to become my truth and my love the backbone to my existence.

Last night I read my evaluations from my fellow R.A staff members.

So much emotion that I felt once I finished reading the evaluations. How could they? Why would they? How dare they? And of course… How expected! How expected for these heterosexual, mostly white idiotic people to evaluate me with such intimidation because of my identity. I am not approachable? Why? Because I scare you? Because you have never had to deal with a loud queer chicano before? Because approaching me would force you to validate my existence?

I come with a lot of baggage, truth and love. I don’t expect anything from you. I only expect that MY determination to physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually survive will never be silenced by YOUR determination to cut my throat.